Leadership Tuneup

Conflict Avoidance vs. Conflict Prevention

2010-02-14T04:35:00Z

In preparing for the second lesson in the series Love Sex and Commitment, I needed to note the difference between conflict avoidance and conflict prevention. Robert Bacal said it better than I could. So I borrowed his words and here they are:

Difference Between Avoidance & Prevention

To start with a basic analogy, is there a difference between preventing contracting AIDS by the use of appropriate precautions, and avoiding or not seeking treatment if one has contracted it? Of course there is. It's pretty obvious when we think of it that way.

The idea of conflict prevention recognizes that conflict takes many forms. Like the logical conflict managers, we recognize that there is some conflict that is destructive, some that is hopeless and can never be resolved (for all practical purposes). We also recognize that conflict can be a good thing, that good things can come out of addressing it, and sometimes, NOT addressing it is a bad idea.

So, we talk about destructive conflict and constructive. Destructive conflict is conflict that has a low probability of being resolved, and is primarily personality or emotion driven, rather than conflict that is issue based.

For example, if you and I disagree about how much you should pay me, we disagree on an issue - pay.

If however you and I aren't getting along because I don't "like" you, this is a personality or emotion driven situation.

Often, issue driven conflict turns into emotion based conflict, and that's one thing we need to make sure doesn't happen. The reason is simple. Emotion based or personality based conflicts are very difficult to deal with, with a relatively low probability of resolution. It's not impossible (perhaps nothing is impossible), but often it's unlikely.

That's why we use the term destructive conflict; because pursuing the issue will often make things worse. Sometimes, one must leave the conflict as it is and make the best of it because pursuing it will make it worse.

We are always going to have issue based disagreements and conflict. Well intentioned people often disagree. What we need to do, though is focus our attention on reducing the incidence of personality or emotion based conflict because a) once it gets going it's hard to fix, and b) because there are techniques that can reduce its frequency.

So conflict prevention isn't about preventing issue based disagreements at all. It isn't about keeping our mouths shut if we disagree. What it IS about is reducing conflict that comes from behavior and ways of communicating that create unnecessary, unresolvable conflicts.

It's about learning to say things in ways that do not get people's defenses up. It's about saying things so others don't get pissed off because of your choice or words, tone, phrasing or body language. It's a tool for the resolution of issue based conflict, not a way of avoiding it.

But overall it's an approach which follows the following principle:

If we are going to be in conflict, we want it to be about something that is important, and should occur in a way that brings a positive outcome.

Relationship Rule # 42

2010-02-04T01:03:00Z

Love, Sex and Commitment New Series

2010-01-29T08:15:00Z

21 Years of Ministry for Come As You Are Community Church

2010-01-25T05:06:00Z

Sustaining The Vision

21^st Anniversary of Come As You Are Community Church

Prayer for the Future

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, when we arrive safely because we have sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess, we have lost our thirst for the waters of life; having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity; and in our efforts to build a new earth, we have allowed our vision of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. We ask you to push back the horizons of our hopes; and to push into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love.[1]

Proverbs 29:18 (ASV)

18 Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint; But he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Acts 26:12-19 (ASV)

12 Whereupon as I journeyed to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests, 13 at midday, O king, I saw on the way a light from heaven, above the brightness of the sun, shining round about me and them that journeyed with me. 14 And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice saying unto me in the Hebrew language, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the goad. 15 And I said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest. 16 But arise, and stand upon thy feet: for to this end have I appeared unto thee, to appoint thee a minister and a witness both of the things wherein thou hast seen me, and of the things wherein I will appear unto thee; 17 delivering thee from the people, and from the Gentiles, unto whom I send thee, 18 to open their eyes, that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive remission of sins and an inheritance among them that are sanctified by faith in me. 19 Wherefore, O king Agrippa, I was not disobedient unto the heavenly vision:

Sustain:

1.	to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of, as a structure.

2.	to bear (a burden, charge, etc.).

3.	to undergo, experience, or suffer (injury, loss, etc.); endure without giving way or yielding.

4.	to keep (a person, the mind, the spirits, etc.) from giving way, as under trial or affliction.

5.	to keep up or keep going, as an action or process: to sustain a conversation.

6.	to supply with food, drink, and other necessities of life.

7.	to provide for (an institution or the like) by furnishing means or funds.

8.	to support (a cause or the like) by aid or approval.

9.	to uphold as valid, just, or correct, as a claim or the person making it: The judge sustained the lawyer's objection.

“All philosophy lies in two words: Sustain and Abstain” Epictetus quotes (Greek philosopher associated with the Stoics, AD 55-c.135)

“Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love.” Ben Okri quotes (Nigerian author who uses magic realism to convey the social and political chaos in his country, 1959)

Six Components of Visionary Leadership

1. Self-Mastery

2. Stewardship

3. Visionary

4. Precise Communication

5. Empowerment

6. Service

To sustain The Vision: We Must Be…

Saturated In The Heavenly Vision.

To Sustain The Vision: We Must…

Unconditionally Surrender To The Heavenly Vision

Sacrificial Service The Heavenly Vision

Trust In The God Of The Heavenly Vision

Align With Those of The Heavenly Vision

Intellectually Grow With The Heavenly Vision

Nurture Our Spiritual Growth With The Heavenly Vision

[1] Sir Frances Drake Quoted in OC Missionary Prayer Letter of Jeanie Curryer, September, 1997

The Power of Compassion

2010-01-23T07:21:00Z

Dr. Underwood and The Cathedral of Praise Family

2010-01-23T06:43:00Z

Dr. Oscar Underwood has been a brother and a friend for many years. He and his wife have given so much to this community and the pages thereof, are written on the mind and hearts of our children. It was wonderfully to be with them on Sunday. We both had the honor of sharing on the Warsaw IN Committee's Martin Luther King Program. This video is from some photo I took of Dr. Underwood and some of his church members. I regret that I did not get any of his wife for this video...She has a WONDERFUL and GRACEFUL MINISTRY TOO!

Dr. Martin Luther King Luncheon In Warsaw IN

2010-01-21T11:48:00Z

Text: Matthew 9:36-38

35 Then Jesus went to all the towns and villages, teaching in their •synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, ^s and healing every ^t disease and every sickness. ^u36 When He saw the crowds, He felt compassion for them, because they were weary and worn out, ^v like sheep without a shepherd. ^w 37 Then He said to His disciples, ^x “The harvest is abundant, but the workers are few. 38 Therefore, pray to the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.” ^{^[1]}

Occasion: Dr. Martin Luther King Celebration Warsaw Indiana 2010

Title: The Power of Compassion

Introduction

Today, we gather together to celebrate the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.. Volumes of books have been written about him. Poems and songs and plays have been penned about him. A holiday has been set aside for him. Countries continued to be inspired by him, and students from the halls of Harvard, to the holed living rooms of home schools have been changed, charged, and challenged in a glories effort to make this world a better palace.

For me, it is as if God placed his life in a bottle; casted it upon the sea and allowed it to land upon the shores of our Life.

In the words of Anthony Hamilton, coming from where I come from—historical living in—New York City, where I was reminded that I was black—all because I where a white shirt to school, and while living in Mississippi with my grandmother—where I was first called a nagger—as a young boy. There is within my context three historical men whose words and deeds God has used to shape my thinking and behavior concerning the issues of race. Each of them; words and deeds floated upon the shore of my life at a critical time racial issues.

1. Abraham Lincoln: I remember reading his words while in Mississippi at a racial charged moment.

o “The quickest way to a bigot’s heart is to continue to shine the light in his eyes.”

2. Dr. W. E. B. Dubois: Words came to me after a two decades of the dark night of my soul.

“Negro Orgen The Dammed”

In 1938, on the 50th anniversary of his graduation from Fisk University, Dr. W. E. B. Du Bois in a speech at Fisk—in a speech he entitled “Saint Orgen The Dammed,” said "What is this life I see? Is the dark damnation of color, real? Or simply mine own imagining? Can it be true that souls wrapped in in black velvet have a destiny different from those swathed in white or yellow silk, when all of these coverings are fruit of the same worm, and threaded by the same hands? Or must I, ignoring all seeming difference, rise to some upper realm where there is no color nor race, sex, wealth nor age, but all men stand equal in the Sun?"

3. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: As a nearly ten year old boy in Mississippi when he was killed, I recall asking my grandmother—as though it was yesterday, “Why did they kill him?” To which she responded, “Because he as Black.”

Nearly ten years before his “I Have A Dream” speech, Dr. King in 1954 said through knowledge and science we have this world into a neighborhood, but because of our moral failure, we have not turned it into a brotherhood. He later stated, “I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law”

It is the life of these men—and others in general, but Dr. Kings in particular, that reminds us that we should yearn for a revolution of imagination and compassion. In my mind—for a while, it seemed as though we had lost this revolutionary yearning. Sociology is often seems—to me, that we are more concern about what political party we are connected to rather than this brotherhood we connected to. Even for those of us bible believers, it often appears that we are more concern about what Rush Limbaugh and Shan Hannity has to say, than what the God has to say. On the democratic side we want to talk about compassion void of” the lest of these”—the estimated 46 million aborted babies that occur worldwide.

(Ill.) A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out. A Christian Scientist came along and said, "You only think that you are in a pit." A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into a pit." A compassion-less Fundamentalist said, "You deserve your pit." A Charismatic said, "Just confess that you're not in a pit." A Methodist came by and said, "We brought you some food and clothing while you're in the pit." A Presbyterian said, "This was no accident, you know." An Optimist said, "Things could be worse." A pessimist said, "Things will get worse!" Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

That is the essence of Christ and of His compassion. That is the spirit we need operating within us. And while the above mention men and many other have had a dramatic impact on my life; it is however, the God Man—Jesus Christ and the word of God that has been and continue to be the most impactful.

• • A place where the Jewish people met for prayer, worship and teaching of the Scriptures

^s ^s 9:35 Mt 4:23; Mk 1:15

^t ^t 9:35 Or every kind of

^u ^u 9:35 Other mss add among the people

^v ^v 9:36 Mt 14:14; 15:32; Mk 6:34; 8:2

^w ^w 9:36 Nm 27:17; 1Kg 22:17; Ezk 34:5; Zch 10:2

^x ^x 9:37 Mt 10:1; 26:56; Mk 3:7; 16:20; Lk 6:13; Jn 12:16

^{^[1]} The Holy Bible : Holman Christian standard version. 2003. Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers.

12 Days of Revival: I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

2010-01-17T12:31:00Z

The 12 Days of Revival was an Awesome was to start 2010! I had the honor of preaching the closing sermon and God moved in a mighty way...As if He could move in any other way!

Our Help Needed For Haiti

2010-01-17T12:26:00Z

Pastor Lauches "Gossip Free" Campaign

2010-01-08T17:21:00Z

In my research for the sermon series Gossip, I came accross this from the Religion News Service and Ashly McGlone. Read it and let me know what you think.

A Michigan pastor is urging people to go "Gossip Free" for at least eight days starting on 8-8-08, but said it's never too early to stop listening to or sharing idle chatter at home, work or especially church.

Pastor Kevin Hester of Sanctuary Baptist Church in Coloma, Mich., said "even though gossip is commonly accepted by people and churches, God takes it seriously. It's right next to murder in the Bible."

Hester argues in his pocket-size book, "Gossip Free? The High Cost of Low Talk" that "gossip has caused more wars, broken up more homes, ruined more businesses, split more churches and destroyed more lives than anything else throughout human history."

Hester has distributed between 1,000 and 2,000 white " gossipfree.org" bracelets with his book, and is asking people to abstain from gossip for eight days, starting next month.

"Eight is the number in the Bible for 'new beginnings.' Most familiar is the story of the flood and God starting over with eight people," Hester said.

The campaign is similar to one launched in 2006 by Will Bowen, a pastor in Kansas City, Mo., who launched a "Complaint Free" campaign and eventually got more than 5 million people to join him.

Rebekah Trosper, a Wal-Mart department manager in Benton Harbor, Mich., and a member of Hester's congregation, publicized the campaign at work. More than 75 employees in her store are now wearing gossip-free bracelets.

"Wal-Mart is a big company and is always under a lot if gossip. I've seen a change in the associates. It makes you stop and think," Trosper said. "Gossip affects everyone in the world but you can make a difference if you try."

Your Year For Opportunities

2010-01-06T07:02:00Z

Charles R. Swindoll is quoted as saying, “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” The problem with these opportunities is the fact that for many of us they will be missed! 2009 was a disappointing year for many and because of this; most have lost their ability to dream.

Often when one door closed—if we are not careful, we will stop looking for another door. Helen Keller put it this way, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” The mandate from Scripture is that, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.”

Our President remarked during one of his speeches, “Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere.”

How about you? Will you be harden or shamed into inaction? Will you miss the opportunities that God has for you, because things did not workout like you thought they would in 2009—or even before 2009. A great cloud of people that have never given up surrounds us! Our Lord, for the hope set before Him endured the cross, and we know how that turned out!

Your resurrection awaits you!

Taste And See

2009-12-09T06:07:50Z

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Leadership Tuneup

2009-12-08T05:33:01Z

COMING SOON

2009-12-05T21:04:00Z

Leadership Tuneup

2009-12-05T06:31:34Z

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Do The Right Thing

2009-12-04T07:50:19Z

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Join The Celebration

2009-12-01T22:53:00Z

Fear vs Faith

2009-12-01T16:25:05Z

The Ideal Mentor Alway

2009-11-30T07:04:22Z

1. Tells you the truth â€" even when it hurts.

One man who has been one of my mentors for almost 18 years especially
stands out because of his honesty with me. Early in my ministry and
marriage, he pulled me aside and explained to me that I was not very
respectful to my wife in public. He explained that the ladies of the
church would not honor me as a minister for this reason. At the time
I was offended that he would tell me this as I thought I was very good
to my wife. However, years later, I see where he was coming from.
Iâ€™m grateful that he was bold enough and honest enough to talk to me
about a sensitive subject. Honoring my wife and publicly showing her
affection has not only given me respect among the other ladies of the
church, but has also been a blessing to our marriage.

2. Shows a good example for you to follow.

The old clichÃ© â€œDo as I say, not as I do.â€ Does not work in
mentoring. A lifelong mentor should be someone who is a model of who
you want to become. Everyone is a little bit like the people who have
parented them. Part of a mentorâ€™s role is to let the protÃ©gÃ© watch
them closely in the work that they do. One of my mentors would often
times invite me to sit in on important meetings that I had no
experience in. I would never say a word unless asked my input. I
understood that I was there to observe and to learn. I watched my
mentor closely to see how he handled fragile situations that I had no
experience in. I would often ask myself how I would handle these
often sensitive meetings, but would then watch my mentor expertly
handle delicate subjects with Godly wisdom.

3. Sees you as family.

Mentoring someone is a life long commitment. Your best mentors are
not people who are only a part of your life for a short amount of
time. A mentor sees you as a son or daughter in the Gospel. Paul who
mentored Timothy referred to him as his son. Anything less than a
family level commitment may prove to be a surface only relationship
between mentor and protÃ©gÃ©. Often times, subjects discussed in a
mentoring relationship are sensitive and personal. A protÃ©gÃ© needs
to know that he is going to someone who is a father figure who only
has the protÃ©gÃ©â€™s best interest in mind.

4. Shows himself/herself to be open and transparent with you.

A good mentor is someone who is not afraid to talk to those they
mentor about their failures as well as their successes. My father
would often say to me, â€œDonâ€™t make the same mistakes that I have
made.â€ This is a good reason for mentors to be open with their
protÃ©gÃ©s. You may save that person a tremendous amount of pain and
numerous mistakes by revealing to them the mistakes you yourself have
made along the way.

5. Teaches

Personally I find it hard to explain to people how I do the things
that I do well. Some things come naturally to me, but I find it hard
to explain or articulate to others how or why I do what I do. As a
mentor, itâ€™s important for me to slow down and explain the process to
those I mentor. Itâ€™s often times harder to explain the process than
do it, but the protÃ©gÃ© needs to be able to learn from the mentorâ€™s
giftedness.

6. Sees and believes in your potential.

You cannot effectively mentor another unless you see something in them
that they may not see in themselves. You have to be someone who is
capable of causing them to become someone better than who they
currently are. If you look at that person and only see their
shortcomings, then you may not be the best person to mentor them.
When you mentor someone, you are investing a portion of your life into
them. You will not want to invest that level of commitment in
someone you do not see tremendous potential in. When I look at a
person, I try hard to not see them as they are, but to see them as
they can become. Honestly, I am often very critical of people at
first. This is a problem I have identified in my own personality.
However, through prayer and looking through the eyes of Jesus at
people, I can see tremendous potential that I never would have seen
with the natural eye.

7. Is someone who can help you bring your vision into a reality.

Thru the years, I have had many dreams and visions of Godâ€™s will for
my life and ministry. My mentors have helped me understand my various
burdens and help me keep in check which visions were possible and
which ones were not. One mentor recently chuckled and told me there
is no possible way to do all that I currently want to do for the
Lord. He helped me understand that I need to pace myself and that God
will give me the helps along the way to accomplish all I have a vision
for. However, for the mean time, do only what I can humanly do.

8. Is open to learn from you.

Someone once told a joke that God was referring to Solomon when He
said, â€œYa, I made him so smart, he started to teach Me.â€ It is
entirely possible that a protÃ©gÃ© may eventually have something to
bring to the table. As a person matures and develops, they may even
surpass the wisdom and knowledge of their mentor in a given area.
This is to be expected and hoped for. This is the purpose of
mentoring, so that the next generation of leaders will have learned
from the experiences of those they glean from. A mentor offers his
protÃ©gÃ© a tremendous gift when he allows that person to teach them
something. This shows the protÃ©gÃ© that he has graduated in a certain
area. It also shows him that he is honored among those he honors.

By Rev. James Smith

www.site.apayton.me - anthony@apayton.me

Thankful For Friends

2009-11-28T06:27:19Z