Conflict Avoidance vs. Conflict Prevention
In preparing for the second lesson in the series Love Sex and Commitment, I needed to note the difference between conflict avoidance and conflict prevention. Robert Bacal said it better than I could. So I borrowed his words and here they are:
Difference Between Avoidance & Prevention
To start with a basic analogy, is there a difference between preventing contracting AIDS by the use of appropriate precautions, and avoiding or not seeking treatment if one has contracted it? Of course there is. It's pretty obvious when we think of it that way.
The idea of conflict prevention recognizes that conflict takes many forms. Like the logical conflict managers, we recognize that there is some conflict that is destructive, some that is hopeless and can never be resolved (for all practical purposes). We also recognize that conflict can be a good thing, that good things can come out of addressing it, and sometimes, NOT addressing it is a bad idea.
So, we talk about destructive conflict and constructive. Destructive conflict is conflict that has a low probability of being resolved, and is primarily personality or emotion driven, rather than conflict that is issue based.
For example, if you and I disagree about how much you should pay me, we disagree on an issue - pay.
If however you and I aren't getting along because I don't "like" you, this is a personality or emotion driven situation.
Often, issue driven conflict turns into emotion based conflict, and that's one thing we need to make sure doesn't happen. The reason is simple. Emotion based or personality based conflicts are very difficult to deal with, with a relatively low probability of resolution. It's not impossible (perhaps nothing is impossible), but often it's unlikely.
That's why we use the term destructive conflict; because pursuing the issue will often make things worse. Sometimes, one must leave the conflict as it is and make the best of it because pursuing it will make it worse.
We are always going to have issue based disagreements and conflict. Well intentioned people often disagree. What we need to do, though is focus our attention on reducing the incidence of personality or emotion based conflict because a) once it gets going it's hard to fix, and b) because there are techniques that can reduce its frequency.
So conflict prevention isn't about preventing issue based disagreements at all. It isn't about keeping our mouths shut if we disagree. What it IS about is reducing conflict that comes from behavior and ways of communicating that create unnecessary, unresolvable conflicts.
It's about learning to say things in ways that do not get people's defenses up. It's about saying things so others don't get pissed off because of your choice or words, tone, phrasing or body language. It's a tool for the resolution of issue based conflict, not a way of avoiding it.
But overall it's an approach which follows the following principle:
If we are going to be in conflict, we want it to be about something that is important, and should occur in a way that brings a positive outcome.
To start with a basic analogy, is there a difference between preventing contracting AIDS by the use of appropriate precautions, and avoiding or not seeking treatment if one has contracted it? Of course there is. It's pretty obvious when we think of it that way.
The idea of conflict prevention recognizes that conflict takes many forms. Like the logical conflict managers, we recognize that there is some conflict that is destructive, some that is hopeless and can never be resolved (for all practical purposes). We also recognize that conflict can be a good thing, that good things can come out of addressing it, and sometimes, NOT addressing it is a bad idea.
So, we talk about destructive conflict and constructive. Destructive conflict is conflict that has a low probability of being resolved, and is primarily personality or emotion driven, rather than conflict that is issue based.
For example, if you and I disagree about how much you should pay me, we disagree on an issue - pay.
If however you and I aren't getting along because I don't "like" you, this is a personality or emotion driven situation.
Often, issue driven conflict turns into emotion based conflict, and that's one thing we need to make sure doesn't happen. The reason is simple. Emotion based or personality based conflicts are very difficult to deal with, with a relatively low probability of resolution. It's not impossible (perhaps nothing is impossible), but often it's unlikely.
That's why we use the term destructive conflict; because pursuing the issue will often make things worse. Sometimes, one must leave the conflict as it is and make the best of it because pursuing it will make it worse.
We are always going to have issue based disagreements and conflict. Well intentioned people often disagree. What we need to do, though is focus our attention on reducing the incidence of personality or emotion based conflict because a) once it gets going it's hard to fix, and b) because there are techniques that can reduce its frequency.
So conflict prevention isn't about preventing issue based disagreements at all. It isn't about keeping our mouths shut if we disagree. What it IS about is reducing conflict that comes from behavior and ways of communicating that create unnecessary, unresolvable conflicts.
It's about learning to say things in ways that do not get people's defenses up. It's about saying things so others don't get pissed off because of your choice or words, tone, phrasing or body language. It's a tool for the resolution of issue based conflict, not a way of avoiding it.
But overall it's an approach which follows the following principle:
If we are going to be in conflict, we want it to be about something that is important, and should occur in a way that brings a positive outcome.
Posted by Anthony Payton at Sunday, February 14, 2010 12:35 AM 
Categories: Marriage
Tags: conflict marriage avoidance prevention
Categories: Marriage
Tags: conflict marriage avoidance prevention
Comments